The Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell – Blow Up the Xmas Tree

We Must Obey has not had much time to really look for any alternative Christmas stuff this year, and to be honest the well is running a little bit dry. Thankfully, psychedelic rockers The Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell, in addition to having the most glorious name in rock music right now, have also shown a penchant for parody and indeed something a little unexpected. Hence the potential reasoning behind choosing to record ‘Blow Up the Xmas Tree’, a not-so-faithful cover of infamous crossover legends, Fearless Iranians From Hell’s ‘Blow Up the Embassy’. And it’s not so festive either, declaring ‘I’m going to blow up an elf tonight’ as it kicks into gear. It’s an enjoyable cover and perhaps as aggressive, and indeed comical, as you’ll likely hear the Admirals. It’s limited to 100 vinyl copies, so there’s pretty much nil chance of this being a festive chart-topper, but you can stream it above and rock out with the meagre Christmas spirit you can call upon.

Peter Clegg

Jesu – Christmas

Here it is people. Almost. Merry Festivus and all that. This is the last Christmas post of the season and its a reflective one. Though I’ve no idea what the lyrics are to this song (can anyone help?), it certainly feels like a song on which we should truly try and remember what Christmas actually means. It doesn’t mean promising your kids the earth when you can’t afford it for all the cigs and crap you’d rather spend your money on. It doesn’t mean get around the telly box for Mrs. Brown’s Boys or around a wi-fi connection to play Call of Duty online. Nor does it mean having that festive cheer forced down your throat. Where’s my Christmas spirit, you say? It’s dying at the side of the road of hardships and false meanings. At least I realised in time, before the spirits of yours actually died.

The song probably isn’t that negative, but I do urge people to listen to the wonderful Christmas by Jesu and try to think about a) the real meaning of Christmas, or whatever you celebrate, in real-world terms, and b) the genius that is Justin Broadrick.

Have a good one people.

Peter Clegg

King Diamond – No Presents for Christmas

What I would give to see this as Christmas number one in the UK, rather than letting the winner of a fading reality singing competition butcher another pop or rock song. I know my isn’t going to come true, as the sheeple probably think King Diamond is another playing card and not the dark overlord of all things great about metal. Of all the alternative Christmas songs, this is surely one of the best.

Roadrunner Records have rereleased Diamond’s first solo song officially, twenty-seven years after initially being released. Come on folks, let’s try and get something going. It’s a long shot but if we can get this song into the Top 40 on Sunday, wouldn’t that be great for a laugh, if just for this week?

Peter Clegg

Redmist Destruction – All I Want For Christmas Is You (Mariah Carey Thrashed)

I chanced upon this last year, but it was just a little too late to feature in time for Christmas. So I’m making it up now to Barnsley thrashers Redmist Destruction, who tear through the Mariah Carey megahit with a barked rendition that means all self-respecting metalheads can now unashamedly sing this song to their loved ones. Whilst air guitaring to that ripping solo!

Peter Clegg

SSS – Merry Christmasss

Sick of the ever increasing consumerism of Christmas? I know I am, especially when you see families putting their fucking lights up in November. The only thing that should be going up in November are fireworks and moustaches. And yes, every bloody high street giant has a job to do, so they advertise the shit out of the whole hoohah with loads of stereotypical adverts that don’t truly reflect the general masses, whether its that dads are lazy sods or that everyone has a great time. I still remember feeling grim as fuck in 2010 cos of my crappy job situation. I think that’s what made me hate the damn thing so much on one level. People go fucking nuts for it and totally forget what its really about. That’s right. Getting drunk and life going on as normal.

I’ll stop ranting. SSS’s ‘Merry Christmasss’ is a perfect example of disdain for St. Nick’s day, as Foxy and the gang spit forth their wrath for the capitalisation of the event (Clever lies, debt & misery). Thrash!

Peter Clegg

Visions: Agoraphobic Nosebleed – Merry Chrystmeth (NSFW)

NO JOBS
NO PROSPECTS
NO FAMILY
NO FRIENDS
NO REASON NOT TO GET HIGH!

In 2011, Agoraphobic Nosebleed and Decibel Magazine combined to unleash ‘Make a Joyful Noise‘, an 11-track festive tirade against Christmas, death metal and Entombed-clones that was so fucking loud and aggressive that Santa’s sleigh probably shook in the sky and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer might well have got high. How could they top that? With this slamming and visually jarring video for ‘Merry Chrystmeth’, which is unquestionably the heaviest track this festive season. Scott Hull, J. Randall and Kat absolutely nail it. Aaargh, its so intense! It’s probably NSFW simply through some of the blurry imagery clearly relying on one aspect of the song’s theme, though the dancing Santa is hilarious. Seriously, if you don’t rock out to this, you’re too cheerful.

Peter Clegg